If you have ever sat back and watched dogs and cats together you have seen
this relationship rule played out in a very explicit way. You observe the
dog lying still beside you and his head perks up as he notices a cat walk
across his line of sight. Now typically the dog will just lay there. There
is one move that will doom the poor feline though. The minute Mr. Puss
begins to run, good ole’ Spot’s instincts rev up and he puts on the chase.
Now how exactly does that apply to the dating world? Well, to put it simply
men and women play the parts of the pursuer and of the pursued. Women chase
and men run. Men chase and women run; it is a fact of life. Curse the
“games” we play all you want, it is an evolutionary part of courting.
Women are programmed to want men who are the best providers, have more
options for mates, etcetera. How does that translate now? Women want men who
have active lives apart from themselves as well as good jobs, and social
circles. Men want the same things from women. When women are clingy in the
first months of a relationship it either drives men away or permanently
stamps doormat on our foreheads for the rest of the relationship – not fun.
So, you are sitting back saying damn this is complicated. Why do I care if
my ancestors acted a certain way and found things attractive? I have a
crush! I live him/her. All I need is to talk to them to feel complete! Wait,
why are they ignoring me?
The important thing to note is that with initial self control and proper
application of the Run-Chase rule you can manipulate the situation to be the
pursued not the pursuant.
Does this mean that you have to be a total ass to make someone interested in
you? No (although this rule certainly explains why the jackass men are so
attractive to women: we have to chase them to get a second glance). Do you
have to completely ignore them? No (it also explains why bitchy girls seem
to have so many guys: they have to get in line to get a chance at winning
our hearts). Merely backing off and allowing the race to play out is
generally sufficient.
So, how do you do that?
Throw out enough information that it can be assumed you are interested. If
the interest seems to be mutual arrange a date. If a day is not good for
whatever reason, never try to reschedule something for the same date. I
would go as far as to say wait at least three days before scheduling
something else. Then back off a little bit. Wait awhile to answer texts (I
give them the quarter/half hour rule, unless they appear dire) or calls
unless it was previously agreed that you would chat. Limit phone calls to
twenty or thirty minutes before you “are busy” and need to call back
later/tomorrow. This allows time for camaraderie to build and for you to get
to know each other, but it also allows for the attractiveness to build while
you are apart.
I know it sounds like a good idea to keep good things going, but it is
crucial to not give up your own social activities completely – and more so
to appear to not give them up at all. We all want to know that we are
important, but we also want to be important to people that have OTHER things
going on in their lives. Everyone is much more attractive that way.
Playing the Run-Chase rule generally will incite enough interest to garner a
few dates; which is enough to begin most relationships. There are always
exceptions – in which case did you really want someone who wasn’t really in
to you anyway?
Of course, after a few initial weeks of this, if you fall into a steady
relationship never forget to pursue your mate. So many relationships fail
because once the prize is one either party thinks they don’t have to work
anymore. The Run-Chase rule applies to dating and marriages with the same
rigidity.
After all, why do you think the grass winking at you and walking away on the
other side of the fence is always so much greener?
Saturday, April 16, 2011
The dating buffet
I’ll never forget how I would come home torn apart from a break-up in grade
school, and my mother in all her callousness would tell me that “Men are
like buses, Lauren. If you stand in one place long enough another one is
going to come by.” God, I hated her for that. Would it really have been too
much to get sympathy?
Well, yes, actually. The man/bus comparison has helped me a heckuva lot more
than any sympathy would have ever done. Actually not only has it helped me
it has helped countless friends too, so mom if you ever read this: thank
you. We all appreciate your wisdom.
On to the fun part: so, you’re recently dumped or have had your heart broken
in a variety of creative ways (believe me I know how random and easy it is
to have happen). You are of course, miserable, vindictive and, uhm
heartbroken - for lack of a better phrase. What do you do? I have found that
in general there are three ways to handle the situation. Most people use a
combination of the three techniques.
1. Mope & cry – a lot of fun for a few days but sooner or later that
constant pain behind your eyes is going to get old and there is only so much
chocolate ice cream available.
2. Drink yourself silly – also a lot of fun if you can remember your
actions and not wake up regretting those actions. Oh and be careful, it
frequently leads back to #1.
3. Move on – probably the best. Well, no probably about it really. It is
the best. But we all know it can be hard to let go of a bad relationship,
and traumatic to leave a decent one so this is the hardest reaction to have.
On that whole moving on bit, many of my guy friends would prescribe beer and
hook-ups to get you over the slump and to that stage. I suppose there is
some truth there. My female friends swear by the chocolate ice cream tub and
tear-laced bitch fests. Well, those work too.
This isn’t about how you shouldn’t grieve for the death of your relationship
or drown your pain in an endorphin rush though – this is about realizing
that just because you had a relationship failure it IS NOT the end of the
world.
The sun will still rise tomorrow. Your friends will still be there, and
guess what, if you stand on that corner long enough another freaking bus is
going to pull up. There are millions of people looking for mates, sooner or
later another one is going to walk on by.
Who knows maybe the next one will have an even better route to take you on.
school, and my mother in all her callousness would tell me that “Men are
like buses, Lauren. If you stand in one place long enough another one is
going to come by.” God, I hated her for that. Would it really have been too
much to get sympathy?
Well, yes, actually. The man/bus comparison has helped me a heckuva lot more
than any sympathy would have ever done. Actually not only has it helped me
it has helped countless friends too, so mom if you ever read this: thank
you. We all appreciate your wisdom.
On to the fun part: so, you’re recently dumped or have had your heart broken
in a variety of creative ways (believe me I know how random and easy it is
to have happen). You are of course, miserable, vindictive and, uhm
heartbroken - for lack of a better phrase. What do you do? I have found that
in general there are three ways to handle the situation. Most people use a
combination of the three techniques.
1. Mope & cry – a lot of fun for a few days but sooner or later that
constant pain behind your eyes is going to get old and there is only so much
chocolate ice cream available.
2. Drink yourself silly – also a lot of fun if you can remember your
actions and not wake up regretting those actions. Oh and be careful, it
frequently leads back to #1.
3. Move on – probably the best. Well, no probably about it really. It is
the best. But we all know it can be hard to let go of a bad relationship,
and traumatic to leave a decent one so this is the hardest reaction to have.
On that whole moving on bit, many of my guy friends would prescribe beer and
hook-ups to get you over the slump and to that stage. I suppose there is
some truth there. My female friends swear by the chocolate ice cream tub and
tear-laced bitch fests. Well, those work too.
This isn’t about how you shouldn’t grieve for the death of your relationship
or drown your pain in an endorphin rush though – this is about realizing
that just because you had a relationship failure it IS NOT the end of the
world.
The sun will still rise tomorrow. Your friends will still be there, and
guess what, if you stand on that corner long enough another freaking bus is
going to pull up. There are millions of people looking for mates, sooner or
later another one is going to walk on by.
Who knows maybe the next one will have an even better route to take you on.
A weasel is a weasel no matter how many times you polymorph it:
Guess what! People don’t change!
No, seriously they don’t. Stop kidding yourself. We’re all kinda staring at
you with pained smiles right now.
Save yourself the pain and accept the fact that you can’t change them. It is
much better to just accept them for what they are than deal with the
heartbreak of finding out that you have been lying to yourself about their
behavior. That is the jaded voice of experience there. It took me years to
learn that the hard way, and I still have to mentally beat myself every so
often when I find that I am doing it again.
So, for those of you that may not get the analogy the weasel represents the
behavior in your partner that you can’t stand. You try to polymorph it into
a chicken. Guess what, it is still a weasel. You polymorph the chicken into
a horse, it is still a freaking weasel.
Now basic behaviors like leaving soda cans around can be changed, but the
weasel behaviors don’t leave. Personally I hate smoking. I abhor it. My
weasel epiphany came from my ex who smoked.
Now my ex loved smoking. I think he smoked anything he could get his hands
on. He told me he I was important enough to quit for (poof! A chicken wow!),
well he didn’t (still a darned chicken shaped weasel). He told me he would
quit pot and cigarettes. He got sneakier and fooled me for a few months
(what a pretty horsey shaped weasel-chicken).
He was a lying scum-bag. Really the lying scum-bag part is the weasel. If
the person you are with is disrespectful, deceitful, or abusive just walk
away. They won’t change. They are weasels, and no matter how many times you
pretend that they change shape they never do. Please don’t lie to yourself
like I did. That pretty white stallion was all in my head because at the
heart of it, he was still a lying weasel.
No, seriously they don’t. Stop kidding yourself. We’re all kinda staring at
you with pained smiles right now.
Save yourself the pain and accept the fact that you can’t change them. It is
much better to just accept them for what they are than deal with the
heartbreak of finding out that you have been lying to yourself about their
behavior. That is the jaded voice of experience there. It took me years to
learn that the hard way, and I still have to mentally beat myself every so
often when I find that I am doing it again.
So, for those of you that may not get the analogy the weasel represents the
behavior in your partner that you can’t stand. You try to polymorph it into
a chicken. Guess what, it is still a weasel. You polymorph the chicken into
a horse, it is still a freaking weasel.
Now basic behaviors like leaving soda cans around can be changed, but the
weasel behaviors don’t leave. Personally I hate smoking. I abhor it. My
weasel epiphany came from my ex who smoked.
Now my ex loved smoking. I think he smoked anything he could get his hands
on. He told me he I was important enough to quit for (poof! A chicken wow!),
well he didn’t (still a darned chicken shaped weasel). He told me he would
quit pot and cigarettes. He got sneakier and fooled me for a few months
(what a pretty horsey shaped weasel-chicken).
He was a lying scum-bag. Really the lying scum-bag part is the weasel. If
the person you are with is disrespectful, deceitful, or abusive just walk
away. They won’t change. They are weasels, and no matter how many times you
pretend that they change shape they never do. Please don’t lie to yourself
like I did. That pretty white stallion was all in my head because at the
heart of it, he was still a lying weasel.
What you really need is a Wal-Mart...
One stop shopping is as necessary in our dating lives as it is in our
society as a whole. Let me elaborate…
I am a firm believer that people only have so much innate ability to go
around. For example, a man that is an excellent listener might not be that
great in bed. A guy who is awesome in bed probably won’t help out around the
house. A woman who loves to cook may not be as inclined to go to a ball
game. Examples aside, everything in a relationship is a tradeoff.
You might be saying to yourself, “oh no X is so great! They can do
everything!”
Well, that’s kind of my point if you want a guy who can fix a car,
sympathize with you, be a sex god, and who cleans (insert other qualities
here) you are going to have a Wal-Mart guy. Chances are if you find all of
your checklist of qualities in one person they are going to be good at all
of them, but great at none. For example:
The best lay I ever had = total jackass emotionally.
The best sympathizer = completely useless unless the hug generator ceased
functioning on something. Oh wait, my bad, that’s still completely useless.
The point is the guys I mentioned above were like specialty stores. They
were amazing at what they did, but they didn’t carry groceries and tires if
you catch my drift.
Specialty store guys and gals are great for dating, but when you want to
settle down with someone you really want a Wal-Mart. They may not have the
best selection in town, but you can get enough of anything there to get
yourself through. Could you find better produce somewhere? Yes. Could you
get better tools somewhere? Hell yes. Can you get both of them in one spot
anywhere else? That isn’t as likely.
*Don’t discount your relationship because they aren’t the best at everything
in comparison to what you’ve had.* Sometimes the one-stop-shop ability to
get a hug, be listened to, have good sex, and watch the garbage whisked out
the door is much better than putting up with a whole bunch of deficient and
non-stock goods for that one specialty item.
society as a whole. Let me elaborate…
I am a firm believer that people only have so much innate ability to go
around. For example, a man that is an excellent listener might not be that
great in bed. A guy who is awesome in bed probably won’t help out around the
house. A woman who loves to cook may not be as inclined to go to a ball
game. Examples aside, everything in a relationship is a tradeoff.
You might be saying to yourself, “oh no X is so great! They can do
everything!”
Well, that’s kind of my point if you want a guy who can fix a car,
sympathize with you, be a sex god, and who cleans (insert other qualities
here) you are going to have a Wal-Mart guy. Chances are if you find all of
your checklist of qualities in one person they are going to be good at all
of them, but great at none. For example:
The best lay I ever had = total jackass emotionally.
The best sympathizer = completely useless unless the hug generator ceased
functioning on something. Oh wait, my bad, that’s still completely useless.
The point is the guys I mentioned above were like specialty stores. They
were amazing at what they did, but they didn’t carry groceries and tires if
you catch my drift.
Specialty store guys and gals are great for dating, but when you want to
settle down with someone you really want a Wal-Mart. They may not have the
best selection in town, but you can get enough of anything there to get
yourself through. Could you find better produce somewhere? Yes. Could you
get better tools somewhere? Hell yes. Can you get both of them in one spot
anywhere else? That isn’t as likely.
*Don’t discount your relationship because they aren’t the best at everything
in comparison to what you’ve had.* Sometimes the one-stop-shop ability to
get a hug, be listened to, have good sex, and watch the garbage whisked out
the door is much better than putting up with a whole bunch of deficient and
non-stock goods for that one specialty item.
The Dating Buffet
Why is it considered horrible to date around? So many people are focused on
maintaining a relationship despite its flaws just because they don’t want to
be alone, or perhaps they think they can’t do better. I have been one of
those people before. It took me years to get out of a mediocre relationship
only to find that when it came down to dating I didn’t know if I wanted the
steak or the salad bar.
Okay, so the analogy goes like this: dating is like a buffet and marriage is
like ordering an entrée off the menu. If you know for sure that you want the
steak, by all means go for the steak! You are a lucky individual if you
start off knowing exactly what you want without being tempted by the
chicken.
I sincerely feel that dating should be your trip to the buffet go out and
sample a little bit of everything! Once you place your entrée order it is
really hard to change it; so sample the salad, shrimp, and chicken while you
have the ability.
All too soon you’ll have to commit to one order for the
rest of your life, so you had better make damn sure that you aren’t going to
be looking around wondering if something else is going to taste better.
maintaining a relationship despite its flaws just because they don’t want to
be alone, or perhaps they think they can’t do better. I have been one of
those people before. It took me years to get out of a mediocre relationship
only to find that when it came down to dating I didn’t know if I wanted the
steak or the salad bar.
Okay, so the analogy goes like this: dating is like a buffet and marriage is
like ordering an entrée off the menu. If you know for sure that you want the
steak, by all means go for the steak! You are a lucky individual if you
start off knowing exactly what you want without being tempted by the
chicken.
I sincerely feel that dating should be your trip to the buffet go out and
sample a little bit of everything! Once you place your entrée order it is
really hard to change it; so sample the salad, shrimp, and chicken while you
have the ability.
All too soon you’ll have to commit to one order for the
rest of your life, so you had better make damn sure that you aren’t going to
be looking around wondering if something else is going to taste better.
Brain Candy
We all know the dangers of sugary, delicious, utterly bad for you candy. We all love sweets in some way shape or form. My personal weakness is baked goods. When Christmas rolls around I stuff myself so full of cookies and pie that I almost forget my love of turkey and green bean casserole. I know that I loved them but how could they be better than that massive slice of apple pie? I completely forget reason and practically have to detox off the sugar. Seriously. There are cravings.
This raises the question about brain candy. What is brain candy you ask? It functions the same way as that slice of pie. It’s horrible for you. It rots your teeth (brain cells). It fills you up. You don’t remember how great intellectually stimulating things are, all you want is another sugar fix. What’s an example of this? How about romance novels? The writing is crap. I read it and find typos and spelling errors, but oh my God give me another. Trashy novels are my secret addiction. Well, so are horrible youtube videos. I have watched several and I swear I can feel my brain cells screaming out their saccharine sweet demise. I think most people have their secret or not so secret sugary fix - whether it is a blog, video site, poorly written novels, or even television shows and movies. The point is we are immersing ourselves so deeply into all of this brain candy that we are forgetting how good it feels to actually think and learn about things that expand our minds.
I noticed the other morning that I had started reading my facebook news feed like it was the daily paper with my coffee. If that one isn’t a case in point I don’t know what is. I hadn’t even realized that I had started relying on good ole FB for news. I can tell you, as hard as it was to start doing, reading the WSJ on my phone in the morning instead puts me in a better frame of mind throughout the day. And, surprisingly enough, I don’t miss all of the drama and puppy videos all that much.
Has that switch made my mind broader? Has it encouraged me to read more mentally stimulating books? Pay more attention in class? Well, probably not, but much like that piece of turkey at Christmas it has reminded me that I used to like more than the sweets. And maybe, just maybe, if I put down the pie I’ll find the turkey more fulfilling.
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