A few months ago I had a friend tell me that I wasn’t picky enough with who I dated. He was right. He suggested I make a list. I did. I literally made checklists of all the qualities I wanted, and all the ones I couldn’t stand. Now this is interesting because, by nature I make lists, my entire life has been nothing but a checklist of things I needed to get done. I needed to graduate college, get a husband, get a job, get a house etc. etc. Following that list through to a T is what got me in the predicament of not being picky to begin with. So why did I think making more lists would solve my problem?
I think it is because human nature leads us to want to categorize everything. For some reason we try to apply a mental template to every detail in an attempt to qualify our actions and to provide a so called “logical” basis for our decisions.
In that little exercise I discovered one very important thing. At the end of the day what makes you happy can’t be identified by going down a checklist. Career happiness isn’t always defined by the most checks in the logical decision column. Compatibility isn’t always defined by the series of yes or no answers about someone. The things that our minds tell us are deal breakers about anything, aren’t always deal breakers.
Now, I’m not saying that my non-picky tendencies were a good thing either. For instance: it is always important to find a respectful partner, but the checklist version of this could be something like “doesn’t argue with me,” and honestly, do we want someone that let’s us walk all over them? No. The point of the matter is that our definitions of desirable qualities are frequently flawed. At the end of the day all the supposed perfection with Prince Charming would just get darned annoying. I don’t know about anyone else, but I have discovered at this day in the game that I am going to complain about whatever I’m doing and whoever I’m with at some point. Personally, I’d prefer it be that I’m on a deadline at work than I hate my job and I hate cleaning up soda cans than he doesn’t respect me.
Another problem with the checklist model is that unless you actually date most people or explore different job opportunities you never actually know enough about them to be able to properly assume anything anyway. How do you know that the guy who dresses metro can’t change the oil in a car? That the girl with the eyebrow ring is a floozy? How do you know that the job working as a hostess is demeaning? How do you know that the executive position is rewarding? You just can’t know these things without some study and actually doing them.
Long story short our lives and experiences aren’t that easy to qualify. You can’t quantify a good person (or a good partner) just because they have 16 checks in the yes column and you can’t be sure a dream job is a dream job just because it looks good on paper.
Is that scary? Hell yes. We all wish that life could be easy and logical, but the joy and wonder of life is that it isn’t like that. Ever. We might pretend that it can be, but at the end of the day we are just more upset when life doesn’t fit into our narrow boxes that can be checked yes or no. So go forth and embrace the joy and mystery that is actually living and choose your path and partner not on how many checkmarks they have but in what makes you feel right.
