Language Barriers

Men and women speak different languages. I'm sure that when I talk my guy hears something akin to Jabba the Hut.
Honey, I think you're the greatest thing since bananas. <- what I say
Do wema huma ha ha ha. <- what he hears, also I think he sees me slobbering and approaching him with my arms open in an attempt to smother him
It used to frustrate me when he shut down because I was being affectionate, and then I realized something. I would be pretty freaked out to if a galactic slave trader suddenly possessed him too. Hell, I'd probably be in fear for my life. He'd probably eat me. Running away WOULD be the best solution.
It works the other way too. When he says something like, "I met this great girl last night. She seemed really cool. You'd like her."
I hear, "Guess what sweetheart! I just found your replacement! Aren't you excited for me? She's so cool!"

That translator has got me into a lot of trouble over the years, and I think most girls and guys have one. I don't think we can expect our others to not say something that seems harmless to them. That isn't realistic. The trouble isn't your significant other being an arrogant, cold-hearted, inconsiderate...I digress. The trouble is turning the damned thing off. How do you turn off the knee jerk reaction? How do you listen for what is actually said rather than what you hear?

Well, I'm just starting to learn, but I will share what I have for posterity in the event that I find Buttercup the Killer cow incarnation II and perish dramatically before my time.

I guess the simplest way to say it is this: don't react. That seems simple enough, right? Anyone who agrees probably has never had the intense flare up of outrage/fear/sadness/etc. that come along with a really good misunderstanding. So I made a process.

Phase one, identification aka what in the hell is wrong with my head that I am ready to spit nails here?
First recognize the intense emotion, and identify the cause. In the above example the words great, girl, like, and cool are my triggers. Realize why they are triggers, oh yeah, cat boy cheated on me with a great girl that I would like if I got to know. Okay this is not due to current boy's issues. Good. I have identified why I have the overwhelming reaction. Phase one. Check.

Now phase two, identification of meaning aka what in the hell was my beloved moron actually trying to say?
I find it helpful in my intense anger to visualize my SO very negatively, like a mentally challenged third grader. This helps me to calm down and understand why they are so bad at communicating with me. I can't expect a mentally challenged third grader to be able to say things the way I want to hear them. So now I can set about trying out different options of what they said to see which one is probably right. Here's a hint: GENERALLY it was the one that pisses me off the least. Who knew?

So phase three, I have a list of options, how do I choose? Well, ask. Even mentally challenged third graders can clarify and answer direct questions. Questions like, "Can you clarify that?," or "I realize that you probably didn't mean what you said the way I heard it. Just so we are on the same page here, you do not want to leave me for this new cool girl, right?" are helpful. Questions like, "What are you, stupid?" and "Was she hotter than me?" Are generally inflammatory and should be avoided. Repeat this step over and over until you actually learn what your special friend was trying to communicate.

Phase four, to be (upset) or not to be (upset). You have a good grip of what your SO was actually getting at now. Are they actually inconsiderate arrogant asses? Was what they said actually meant to hurt you? If yes, be pissed. If not, well, they are just partially poor communicators, but you love them anyway, right? So don't fight. It isn't their fault. They are just mentally challenged third graders.

PS: I have absolutely nothing against the mentally challenged, or third graders. Although, I did pretty much hate my life in third grade. Crap. Now I'm going to have to go explore this...