I was raised a Christian Scientist, and while I am not a strong adherent to the principles it has really affected my worldview. I always recall my grandma saying was, “See the good in people.” and “You’re thinking determines your experience.” She was saying this from the standpoint of her religious belief. Essentially that all of us are children of God, and are therefore good. But I think this transcends religion. By choosing to see the good qualities that someone has we are changing our experience to be a more positive one. By expecting a certain outcome we are setting ourselves up to reflect that outcome.
I read a story yesterday about a teacher whose first impression of a student was that of a slovenly child that didn’t apply himself. She decided that he was lazy, and that she didn’t like him. Months passed and she eventually read his past history from other teachers. She found that this child’s mother had passed away two years before and that his father did not actively participate in his child’s life. Right then the teacher changed her perception of the student and he began to flourish. He came out of his shell and applied himself. That student would write to her several times over the course of his life and thank her for being there for him and tell her that she was the reason his life had turned around. Her perception shift so changed this boy’s reality that he became a very successful doctor. But where would he have been if she, and everyone else around him, had continued to hold him in the light of being a slovenly unwilling child? Would he have become successful? Would he have caved to other’s expectations of himself?
How many stories like that do you hear or read? I know that I can think of several off the top of my head.
But I’m not a teacher. I’m not even a parent. I don’t interact with kids. How does a story like this even apply to me?
Because our perceptions don’t just impact kids. They impact our friends, our families, and the stranger in the grocery store parking lot; they impact everyone that we deal with, every day.
I have a friend whose significant other was diagnosed with diabetes. As I was talking to her she explained to me that even though it was really hard for her she was refusing to nag him about testing, or eating the right things. In short she was refusing to take responsibility for him, because the minute that she did she knew that his illness would no longer be his responsibility. It would be her responsibility. This action blew my mind. My first impulse was to say, “But he’s a guy he can’t be trusted to take care of himself.” Wow. Way to be sexist, Lauren. Just because he is a man he can’t make decisions that are best for his health? He couldn’t be trusted to eat right or take care of himself? She had to take on his illness as her burden? If I had a significant other in the same situation, would I have to do it too? Even while my first impulse shouted, “Well of course you would!” My brain started working.
Does my dad not pick up soda cans because he is incapable, or because my mom has made such a big deal out of “having to pick up after him” that he no longer feels like he needs to? Is it her expectation of ineptitude that holds him back? I know he picks them up when she isn’t home. I’ve seen it. My grandpa has a similar issue with his wife, which is what got me ruminating on this again.
My grandfather is a staunch Christian Scientist, which is why I started this blog by talking about my grandma (who passed away 13 years ago). Grandpa’s wife is not of the same faith. He has been praying for several years now to see her in a better light, to picture her as a perfect child of God. Kay? But then at breakfast the other day he started explaining away her hounding at him as being not her fault because her family stressed her out and she wasn’t capable of handling it. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, grandpa. She is either a child of God with the same capabilities as anyone else, or she is a child who has to be taken care of and made excuses for because she can’t control herself. Say what? How does that work? Is she, or is she not capable? I have had the same discussion with her about her children, and I have come to the conclusion that she is just as capable as anyone else, as are her kids; but there is no way in the seven hells of myth that any of them are going to take responsibility if no one is expecting them to do so.
How many times do we do that to each other? How many times do our expectations, good or bad, flavor our experiences? Was it that the guy at the store was grumpy, or was I thinking he would be and scowling at him first? How many times do we take responsibility for someone else’s actions without even giving them the courtesy of expecting that they can make their own informed decisions? How many kids don’t clean up their rooms because their parents expect that they wouldn’t do it right? How many partners feel like their mate is taking unfair advantage of them because they can’t expect them to do the dishes or the laundry, and then they don’t? How many people don’t ever discover just what they are capable of because no one ever gives them the courtesy of expecting them to be capable of anything?
Seriously. We are all guilty of slacking on some things when someone else is willing to take responsibility for it. For example, when my parents are gone I suddenly morph into a highly capable woman who can fix a tractor with baling wire and dose out dog meds like a pharmacy trainee. But when you put my parents back into the equation suddenly dad is fixing the tractor and I won’t go near my mom’s geriatric dog ward with a ten foot pole and a hazmat suit.
Why? Because they don’t expect me to. It isn’t that I am more capable when they are gone. It is that when they are gone I feel the responsibility and I don’t have anyone else around telling me that I don’t, or expecting me to mess it up and preemptively doing it for me. To a certain extent we are all as lazy as those around us will let us be. The only way we ever reflect a behavior is if it is expected of us; by ourselves, or by an outside individual. You have to expect it to reflect it.
As a society we need to stop expecting that our fellows and our progeny aren’t capable of finding work, or cleaning up after themselves, or doing what is best. We need to start expecting that others are doing their highest sense of right too; and maybe when we stop being so caught up in doing it for them, we will see that they are reflecting their own highest sense of right. We would all be much less stressed, and I would guess happier, if we took a note from my friend and let our loved ones own their responsibilities whether those responsibilities are soda cans, medical decisions, or finding a way to make a tractor work. I think we would all be surprised of how much more fulfilling our lives could be if we start expecting and reflecting.
Again I ask, “How many times do we take responsibility for someone else’s actions without even giving them the courtesy of expecting that they can make their own informed decisions? How many people don’t ever discover just what they are capable of because no one ever gives them the courtesy of expecting them to be capable of anything?” How is that right? How is that doing anyone a favor? It seems to be that it is not only stressing out the person taking responsibility, it is doing everyone else a huge disservice. What, are we so narcissistic that we think we are the only competent person we know? Sure, no one wants to watch someone they love struggle. I admit that I have a the impulse to beat several of my friends and family sometimes because solutions to their financial or romantic or whatever else plight are so clear to me, and they just don’t see it. But even if I could somehow do it for them, which I have to admit to myself that I can’t, I shouldn’t. The struggle is part of it.
We need that challenge to truly find ourselves. That is what we need to grow and to help others grow. I need to trust that my family member will figure it out, and be there to bounce ideas off of, not just do it for her. Just like that teacher needed to not write off the student, but to expect him to be capable. We need to expect that our partner can step up and do their share. We need to expect that others can pull their own too.
Maybe when we do that not only will we find that there are more capable, confident people around; but we will also have empowered a group of people that may not have ever had the shot at encouragement over entitlement before. Expect it to reflect it.
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